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Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, by Karyl McBride
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The first book specifically for daughters suffering from the emotional abuse of selfish, self-involved mothers, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? provides the expert assistance you need in order to overcome this debilitating history and reclaim your life for yourself. Drawing on over two decades of experience as a therapist specializing in women's psychology and health, psychotherapist Dr. Karyl McBride helpsyou recognize the widespread effects of this maternal emotional abuse and guides you as you create an individualized program for self-protection, resolution, and complete recovery.
An estimated 1.5 million American women have narcissistic personality disorder, which makes them so insecure and overbearing, insensitive and domineering that they can psychologically damage their daughters for life. Daughters of narcissistic mothers learn that maternal love is not unconditional, and that it is given only when they behave in accordance with their mothers' often unreasonable expectations and whims. As adults, these daughters consequently have difficulty overcoming their insecurities and feelings of inadequacy, disappointment, sadness, and emotional emptiness. They may also have a terrible fear of abandonment that leads them to form unhealthy love relationships, as well as a tendency to perfectionism and unrelenting self-criticism, or to self-sabotage and frustration.
Herself the recovering daughter of a narcissistic mother, Dr. McBride includes her personal struggle, which adds a profound level of authority to her work, along with the perspectives of the hundreds of suffering daughters she's interviewed over the years. Their stories of how maternal abuse has manifested in their lives -- as well as how they have successfully overcome its effects -- show you that you're not alone and that you can take back your life and have the control you want.
Dr. McBride's step-by-step program will enable you to:
(1) Recognize your own experience with maternal narcissism and its effects on all aspects of your life
(2) Discover how you have internalized verbal and nonverbal messages from your mother and how these have translated into a strong desire to overachieve or a tendency to self-sabotage
(3) Construct a step-by-step program to reclaim your life and enhance your sense of self, a process that includes creating a psychological separation from your mother and breaking the legacy of abuse. You will also learn how not to repeat your mother's mistakes with your own daughter.
Warm and sympathetic, filled with the examples of women who have established healthy boundaries with their hurtful mothers, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? encourages and inspires you as it aids your recovery.
- Sales Rank: #7036 in eBooks
- Published on: 2008-09-23
- Released on: 2008-09-23
- Format: Kindle eBook
From Publishers Weekly
Starred Review. After 26 years of practice, therapist McBride discovered a distressing commonality with her female patients: a narcissistic mother. I had treated scores of women who shared many of the same symptoms.... oversensitivity, indecisiveness, self-consciousness, lack of self-trust, inability to succeed in relationships, lack of confidence... and a general sense of insecurity, McBride writes, and she ties these traits to growing up without a nurturing maternal figure. According to the author, as many as 1.5 million American women have narcissistic personality disorder and can be detected by their self-absorption, inability to empathize and fixation with looks and appearance. McBride presents specific steps toward recovery that daughters of any age can use as they grieve for the love and support they didn't receive, set healthy boundaries with their mothers and access an internal mother as a source of self-comforting. The author provides parenting tips as well as advice on maintaining healthy love relationships and friendships—all of which tend to be weak points of the daughters of narcissistic mothers. An excellent bibliography rounds out this revealing book, which ends on a hopeful and pragmatic note. (Sept.)
Copyright � Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
Review
"Will I Ever Be Good Enough? is an amazing journey out of pain. Providing true professional guidance and clarity, Dr. Karyl McBride heaps in genuine love and kindness. This book is like having an ideal therapist at your convenience, who really helps you heal self-doubt and self-rejection. Every page is milk and honey to your soul." -- Tama J. Kieves, author of This Time I Dance! Creating the Work You Love (How One Harvard Lawyer Left It All to Have It All!)
Review
"Will I Ever Be Good Enough? illuminates a very common and unnamed wound -- the wound that results from growing up with a narcissistic mother. In this engaging book, Karyl McBride provides a clear, honest, and effective way to heal this wound and live life fully and joyfully." -- Christiane Northrup, M.D., author of Mother-Daughter Wisdom, The Wisdom of Menopause, and Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom
"Dr. Karyl McBride has convened a fellowship of female voices to describe every flavor of experience with maternal narcissism. However marginalized from the mainstream of mother-daughter relationships you may have felt before this, you are no longer alone on the road to recovery." -- Sandy Hotchkiss, Psy.D., L.C.S.W., author of Why Is It Always About You?
"Narcissistic mothers are always there when they need you. They expect to be the center of attention, and they can be cruel if they don't get what they want. Learning how to set boundaries with narcissistic mothers is a complex challenge. Dr. McBride offers a step-by-step approach to understanding narcissism, setting limits on the abuse, and recovering from the psychological damage. This book is a must read for every woman living in the shadow of a domineering, self-focused parent." -- Nanette Gartrell, M.D., author of My Answer Is NO...If That's Okay with You
"The long-term destructive consequences that narcissistic parents have for their children are well known. Until now, however, there has been little in the way of helpful advice for those who were raised by these parents. In this insightful new book, Dr. McBride presents a detailed examination of narcissistic mothers and the harmful effects on their daughters. She also offers practical, step-by-step guidance for working through these issues. This book is a terrific resource for those women raised by narcissistic mothers and looking for strategies for change." -- W. Keith Campbell, Ph.D., author of When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself
"Will I Ever Be Good Enough? is an amazing journey out of pain. Providing true professional guidance and clarity, Dr. Karyl McBride heaps in genuine love and kindness. This book is like having an ideal therapist at your convenience, who really helps you heal self-doubt and self-rejection. Every page is milk and honey to your soul." -- Tama J. Kieves, author of This Time I Dance! Creating the Work You Love (How One Harvard Lawyer Left It All to Have It All!)
Most helpful customer reviews
1148 of 1156 people found the following review helpful.
Oh My God was this worthwhile
By D. E. Quigley
Reading this book was an incredibly validating experience. I have never written a book review in my life but I believe that this work is essential for daughters of narcissistic mothers. I am 45 years old and have been in counseling for 4 years with a great counselor to address my mom's Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I have had difficulties in the denial and acceptance department; it seems that cognitively I know that my mother doesn't have the capacity to ever be warm, loving, or empathetic. However,I have had many instances where I just thought well maybe I am just the nutty girl and go back into denial. My counselor has spent hours upon hours discussing the harm that comes from being raised by a narcissistic mother. And, yes, I have read many books on narcissism. The difference with this book is that it is written from a first hand experience and includes very specific exchanged between the narcissistic mother and the "still" seeking daughter. In reading this book I must have said oh my God hundreds of times. I made margin notes where I wrote "yep" next to so many scenarios, feelings, yearnings, lowered self esteem, being self critical, the workaholism (I am a practicing trial attorney), and the issues with respect to brothers being treated differently. I am the only daughter and I have 3 brothers who had vastly different experiences with my mother. They are all perfect princes and I am the one that is constantly criticized and judged. For many years I have grappled with my brothers' experience versus mine and it was crazy-making. This book explains that daughters of narcissistic mothers may be subject to projection, jealousy, and envy because you are viewed as her extension (or shadow). It finally made sense. IF YOU ARE A DAUGHTER OF A NARCISSIST MOTHER THIS IS THE MOST HONEST AND FORTHRIGHT BOOK THAT I HAVE COME ACROSS AND IT IS ONE THAT I WILL USE AS A REFERENCE GUIDE FOR GROUNDING AND VALIDATION ON A REGULAR BASIS.
14 of 14 people found the following review helpful.
the way i am and my life makes sense to me now
By kawaiiwest
I haven't even finished reading this book and is quite literally the most amazing powerful book I have ever read. I have been going to therapy on and off since I was in high school and this has given me more insight into why I am the way that I am. I have crippling social anxiety and depression and self esteem issues and also always put everyone's feelings before my own even if they are not related to me. I am OBSESSED with being "good enough" and pretty enough for everyone and being the best. On the outside I seem like a calm person who can handle anything, but on the inside I am a ticking time bomb who just gets so depressed and anxious I have mental breakdowns and need to take a break from my life for weeks. Most people don't know this because my family taught me my feelings don't matter. In the back of my mind I am ALWAYS worried about what my mother will think and it has literally driven me to insanity. It is like someone has had a hidden camera in my house for the past 15 years and wrote a book about everything they observed. My mother and brothers deny everything I feel so much it makes me feel like I have delusions about how my mom treats me and what my childhood was like although I know they are delusional not me. Everything I have suspected about how my relationship with my mom has impacted my mental health and self image negatively has been confirmed by this book. All the guilt I have felt about thinking my mother is a horrible parent is gone. Any hope I have had about us ever having a good relationship and me "fixing" her just because sometimes she treats me in a loving way like she does with my brothers is gone. Even when I was a teenager I would say to my mom I would rather have emotional support than her than money, food, or shelter. I would always blame being bullied horribly in school for being depressed and having social anxiety because I am so obsessed with people's opinions of me, but as I got older I have started to think "You know what? Maybe if my mom gave me emotional support when I was bullied or in general about ANYTHING I would not be the way that I am." My entire life I have used journals and forums and blogs as outlet for my feelings. She is so controlling she would read all of my journals and tell me I'm not even allowed to write anything negative about her...in a book for my thoughts...that is meant for my eyes only. By saying that she was basically saying she is SO controlling I am not even allowed to THINK anything negative about her. I became obsessed with fashion when I was in high school partially because the reason why I got bullied is because of how I dressed and she would criticize me as well and would call me ugly. Now she criticizes me for shopping too much when she is the reason why I am so obsessed with being stylish and attractive. Speaking of fashion that is what I majored in and I could not imagine myself working in any other industry. I got the highest GPA in my program and even at my graduation from college she was criticizing my appearance and said "congratulations" in a the driest voice like she was disappointed that I actually succeeded. I did not even want her to come to my graduation because I knew she would make it about her and make me angry. She wanted me to go to college for what SHE wanted me to do and I was the most depressed I have ever been and was constantly physically ill. Whenever I am so depressed I can't get out of bed she says I am lazy. She says she doesn't care if I am suicidal. She projects all my feelings about her onto me. She says SHE is the one who actually has depression and suicidal thoughts and I am the reason why. She says she always wanted a girl and then she ended up having me. I do what she says it's not good enough. I don't do what she says like simply washing the dishes she will become so infuriated she throws a glass plate at me. I am a neat freak because the easiest way to please her is by keeping her house clean, but my brother is 26 and she still cleans his room for him. I could go on and on. The point is my mother is a combination of every type of narcissistic mother described in this book besides the addict. I can't begin to heal from her abuse until I get a break from her. I can't get a break from her without money to move out. I can't get enough money without a well paying a job and everyone always says to me the only reason why I am not successful in life is because of my confidence which impacts me negatively during job interviews. I am tired of being trapped in low paying horrible work environments and then coming home to an abusive family. I am tired of being angry and hating myself all the time. This book is exactly what I needed to read.
170 of 184 people found the following review helpful.
Will I ever be good enough?
By Oz
This book did a good job of identifying a mother's narcissistic traits and the damage they cause, however I found this book was a bit simplistic, and longer than it needed to be due to many examples that sometimes detracted from the point rather than enhancing it. It also gave poentially dangerous advice.This includes:
1. The author recommends empathising with mother and focusing on "gifts she has given " . This is unhelpful to people who have spent years seeing everything through their mother's filter and are attempting to forge their own personality. As one whose most enduring "gift" was the implicit and explicit statement that I was unworthy of any happiness, I find this insulting.
2. It was stated that if one had not received support and nurturing from their mother as a child that they should not seek this from others as an adult; rather they should "self-mother" . I found this really illogical, as one can not practice what one has never experienced; additionally, many reading the book would see the word "mother" as having negative connotations. Other authors encourage one to find support and positive relationships with others as a way to recovery.
3. She is reluctant to advise going no-contact until "all recovery work is completed." As others have stated, going no contact is often integral to recovery.
Others have noted that the book reads as though written by one who has not yet come to a resolution herself and I would have to agree with them . It was good at identifying problem areas, but not for resolving them.
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